The 14th

Yesterday was an emotionally exhausting day. I had an appointment with my doctor. I had anticipated starting to go off medication as of yesterday, since I was doing well and I thought that was our plan. Then when I told the doctor William and I didn't plan on trying until after I got back from the Vermont retreat in September, she wanted to keep me on everything as-is until after the retreat and THEN start reducing meds, or keeping me on them during the winter and getting off in the spring. I said it seemed like it kept getting put off and put off. She said she thought the winter was a difficult time for me and I might get depressed in the winter. I left feeling odd. When I got to the car I realized I was really upset. I felt out of control of my own destiny. I ended up going back in and asking to speak to her again. She squeezed me in again quickly (I had started to cry) and asked me what was going on. I told her what I'd thought about going off meds right away, or rather starting to. She suggested I wait until after our visit with the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor. I couldn't see what difference that would make, as I intend to go off all meds anyway, so I said why can't I start going off the sleep medicine now? (The most dangerous one.) She said I could if I wanted to, going down one half a pill at a time. At that rate it will take two months to get off. I felt satisfied with that. At least we'd be getting somewhere. As I see it I can't avoid winter any way you slice it, so I'll have to make it through at some point. We can't just keep putting it off, because there will never be a perfect time. Last night I reduced by one half, and I did wake up at 2 a.m., staying up until 5, but I think that's only to be expected.
When I got home I had an email from Michelle, the agent who's had SEA CHANGE, my first book, for a long time and had told me recently her team would seriously consider it last week. I was very afraid to open the email. I had to brace myself for it. She passed on it, I saw in the first paragraph, but then I was astonished to see she had written more than a page of comments about the manuscript. She gave me detailed feedback on how I might improve the piece from this draft into something more marketable to a Young Adult audience. She gave me many interesting ideas to think about, all of which I liked. I can really see making these alterations and improving it that way. She said to resubmit after I had completed an "inspired revision." I feel like that's a challenge and one I'm up to. It may take several months, perhaps even the time in Vermont, but so worth the potential gain. I'm excited now to work on it again. It gives me something concrete to do, and as I was floundering sketching out my new novel this gives something to do in its place.
After such a day I felt like I'd been on a rollercoaster. It was a difficult day in that it gave me so much to think about and analyse in two very different parts of my life. I'll keep you posted as to how things go.

Writing Group of a Sunday

Yesterday started off with Writing Group. We're having it on Sundays for a while as Mimi has a temporary day-job. I brought the re-write of "Love for Real" and two new fragments about a character called Audra Phipps. They argued over which one they liked better, between the two fragments, and weren't sure if I could incorporate the two together or not. The two pieces are in very different styles. So I don't know. Maybe I could find a way to work them both into the same manuscript. That wasn't my intention, I just wanted to see which beginning they liked better. There was also a dispute about "Love for Real," Nancy arguing the characters don't change and Mimi and Mary Beth saying it captured a moment in these characters lives and stood on it's own, basically. Mary Beth said it was good it provoked such controversy. I wish more often everyone would agree, though. It makes it easier on the writer. Of course it would, but what does one go to a writing group for? Mary Beth is working on the Mad Scientist Hall of Fame, Mimi the historical fiction piece about cowgirl Lucille Mulhall, and Nancy HELD BACK, a middle grade novel. I think that's how it's described. They're all fun to read, so that makes the group interesting to attend. We have a good dynamic going.

I felt exhausted after Writing Group and took a long nap. While I had been away and during my nap William was a whirling dervish and vacuumed the kitchen, the dining room, the living room, mowed the yard, raked the leaves, and blew the leaves off the back patio. He was exhausted himself after all that. Today I need to mop the kitchen floor and clean out the kitty litter for sure, and then whatever other chores present themselves getting ready for Mom and Dad to return home. They get here Tuesday, April 15th, tomorrow.

I see Dr. Alam today after two-and-a-half months. She may reduce my medication, I'm not sure. William and I aren't going to try and do anything on the baby front until after I get back from the Vermont writers' retreat at the end of September. So she may decide to keep me on longer since it's a ways off. I had been looking forward to getting off some of it, just to see what would happen. That may be stupid, I don't know. It's curiosity and to see if I can stand on my own without it for a while, which may also be stupid. Maybe it's what is keeping me stable and feeling so good right now, and it will crash me down to come off. I'll do everything I can to prevent that. A book suggested putting a box of mementos together, positive associations, that you can look at when you're down. Things like letters from loved ones, awards you may have won, pictures of yourself when you've been happy, a list of all your proudest accomplishments. I think it's a very good idea.

Schudules and Kids in Hall (not New Kids on Block)

Yesterday was a great day. It started when I made a schedule for myself. My days have been so formless it wasn't good for me. It was satisfying to write something out and have a plan, then accomplish all those things. I woke early, but didn't start making the list until ten a.m. Here it is:

11:00-11:30 list of things to bring to Vermont
11:30-12:00 pick up room
12:00-1:30 read From Where You Dream (writing book)
1:30 lunch
2:00-3:00 Battlestar Galactica (DVD)
3:00-3:30 shower and dry hair
3:30-3:45 flat iron hair (okay maybe I was getting down to minutae here)
4:00-5:00 gym
5:00-5:45 feed cats and pick up kitchen, clean kitty litter, do dishes
5:45-6:00 rest
6:00-6:30 dress for Kids in the Hall show
6:30 leave for Kids in the Hall
7:00-10:00 Kids in the Hall (sketch comedy troupe)
10:30 bed

This really helped me. I was able to follow it and had the best day I've had in recent memory. I felt great at the end of the night. Today I made a schedule too but didn't stick to it because I wanted to hang out with Wren. I look forward to making more lists though. My mom would be so proud.

The Kids in the Hall, who used to have a show on the Comedy Network, were irreverent and hilarious. It was so much fun to see them in person. They didn't have anything on stage except tape to mark where the various interchangeable props could be placed. They made a couple of blunders and started laughing at themselves, which was funny. There were a couple of technical difficulties; whenever they would refer to a city a strange voice would come in and insert "Austin." Once the voice didn't come in for a while and they were all waiting for the disembodied voice to say "Austin." They made some local references, deriding Matthew McConaughay and one of his movies. They also mentioned a red light district. They said Austin was one of their favorite cities to visit (do they say that to all the girls?). The final skit was the old man who looks at people from far away, looks through his finger and thumb and pretends to crush their heads. "I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head!"

Kids in the Hall

The Kids in the Hall are in Austin! I'm so excited. William and I are going to see them at the Paramount tomorrow night. We'll be in the upper upper balcony, all that was left, but I don't care. The Paramount is small enough it will be fine. I was in Los Angeles when they came through there but didn't get to see them and always regretted it. Then I heard another time they had been in Austin and I didn't find out until afterwards. So it is serendipitous that we'll get to see them this time.

I went to a DBSA meeting last night. It was only moderately depressing. No, really, it was pretty good compared to some I've been to before. Most people got a chance to talk (no thanks to the facilitator) and some people were there who just moved from New Orleans. She pronounced it New OR-le-ans and had an interesting accent. It reminded me of the movie The Big Easy with Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin. I love that movie.

It was major allergiosis (okay, I coined a word) last night. All the yard work and having the cats in our room all day made it very hard to go to sleep with itchy ears and palate. I took Benadryl but it was already too late. When I got some Chloroseptic and sprayed that I was able to get to sleep.

We haven't found out yet about the Renaissance Magazine photo contest. It could be another month. Maybe we'll only find out when the magazine comes out! It's the May issue, so it's getting down to the wire.

I'm still working on the kernel of an idea for a novel. I've written about a page-and-a-half. I really don't know if I can make something of this or not. Scenes aren't springing into my head as they usually are when I have an idea. I don't know what to do at this point. Keep brainstorming, I guess. Maybe I should keep working on the short story idea about stories based on songs. My third book, a novella, is called IF I COULD BE WHERE YOU ARE, also based on a song title, so maybe it could be part of the collection. That one is by Enya. So far I have "Col" by Morcheeba, "Love for Real" by Everlast, and the Enya one.

The blister that almost was

I've finished my yard work. The pool guy came at the same time so I had company for most of it. Mowing was not a pretty sight. I mowed a hose pulley-thing you use to direct the hose. It's still functional, just not in one piece. Mowing down the weeds was satisfying. Only frustrating part was not being able to get at the weeds between plants. So around the pool it still looks pretty jungly. I had one suede glove and one cotton glove on and under the cotton one I ALMOST got a blister. Luckily I changed to another suede glove just in time. Such is the excitement at our house during the day. It will be thrilling tonight too, with William at Game Night. I have the option of going to a support meeting. I want to go and discuss some things but I don't want to listen to the other people because they depress me. Selfish, huh? It's just that everyone is so down. What else can you expect at that kind of meeting but it's supposed to help, not drag you more down. Of course I haven't been in a while. Maybe everyone's medication has kicked in and it will be an upbeat, jolly time sharing anecdotes.

Slept through the night!

I slept through the night last night. Didn't wake at all until 6:30. What a relief. I don't know what was different about last night. I had taken a nap so it wasn't that. I'm just grateful for a night of uninterrupted sleep.

Today I think I'm going to do some work in the yard. I don't know how much, but any will be better than nothing. I'm going to start weeding the bed closest to the house, and then hopefully sweeping all the red gunk the oak trees drop off the patio. I'll have to wear a mask so my allergies don't go crazy. If I'm really ambitious I'll pull out the lawn mower and/or the weed eater. We have weeds that grow in the winter in the backyard which look kind of like grass but aren't. I just hope the trees are done dropping their crud. It messes up the pool and everything else. If we just had a yard full of grass it wouldn't matter so much.

My hair is being somewhat recalcitrant. When I try to dry it wavy, it look like I've slept in it, is how William succinctly put it. So either I have to accept a bed-head look or straighten it out every time. Knowing me I'm not going to straighten it every time. But maybe I will more than I used to because it's shorter and easier to get through.

Xena is getting one-on-one time now. She is purring up a storm. She loves to sit in your lap while you're working on the computer.

My allergies are already starting to act up. Is it cat or is it the short amount of time I've already spent outside? I think Benadryl is in order. William reminded me that my trip to the Writing Center is only five months away. That makes it seem a lot closer. Being away from home for a month will be kind of hard. I'll miss William. And everyone else. I hope I'll be able to make it a productive and reflective time, worth the scholarship they gave me.

In reference to mood

This morning: sleepy and rather befuddled. Was up for several hours last night, making me concerned about when I go off my sleep medication. Is this how it will be, only worse? I'm going to try to go to the local support group this evening to talk about it and be around some fellow sufferers. I don't know if that's the right word. Fellow people-on-an-interesting-journey?

I im'ed my brother Brett yesterday. We haven't spoken in quite a while. Sounds like they're very busy per usual. Mom and Dad get back from CA on Tuesday the 15th. William is supposed to go pick them up but it is game night.

I think part of the problem yesterday between William and me was my mood disorder creeping in. It's hard to know a lot of the time when it's happening. To William, I'm "grumpy," which is sometimes true, but sometimes I'm just struggling with internal demons and it's hard to appear normal. A big part of the question for me is figuring out what normal is, then judging the rest of my behavior against it. I think I'm usually "normal," but what does it mean when I have swings up or down? Isn't that normal for me, too? It's certainly part of who I am. It doesn't define me or make me who I am, but it's there. This is both easy and hard to write about. I don't want to be judged. The stigma is there, alive and well. I hope people are more understanding of it today than in the past; I know they are, but I feel wary. If it could be understood as something like high blood pressure, diabetes, or asthma, it would be easier to talk about. It's a disorder and you treat it. Medication makes it better but doesn't make it go away entirely. It will never go away. That is the brick wall I come up against, and it's frightening. However, I know I've gotten so exponentially better since eight years ago. What my doctor and I have done has worked. There was a lot of trial and error, let me tell you. But we found things that worked for a space of time, then tried other things when those stopped working. I feel like she's been my partner in all this. I'm so grateful to have her. The side effects have been legion, but the only one that really bothers me now is weight gain. I can't seem to lose weight even though I'm exercising. My diet is good, though I probably consume too many calories. I get very hungry, which I think is a side effect of one of the medications. I was on one medication once which made me gain about forty pounds. Thank God I'm not on that anymore. But I have a feeling meds are part of the problem now. Enough about all this for one day.