The Truth Comes Out

Okay, now to the source of my bad dream yesterday. I went to a bonfire (actually, hosted a bonfire with my two pals, Jaclyn and Letitia). A few people came--it wasn't really publicized. There had been this nice cozy atmosphere at the beginning, all women sitting around talking. Then some people left and other people came, including two guys. Somehow the tone changed and, it seemed to me, got rather competitive as far as who's read what. It sounds ridiculous to write it down, like, big deal, who cares who's read what book or if you haven't read such-and-such? But in that context, you feel the burn. The conversation got very esoteric and I felt left out. I'm not much of a talker in front of more than a couple people anyway so I didn't have much to say, but I had even less to say about all these post-modern novelists they were talking about. I felt woefully ignorant. What had my education been for? Not to read the "right" novelists, apparently. So in the end, after going through a day of feeling badly, I've resolved to just get better-read. I won't slog through things that have no interest to me, but I will try to expand my reading repertoire. I probably read mostly for pleasure, when I should also read consciously to expand my mind. There are always people there ahead of you, with more education, more curiosity, and a greater intellectual scope. I don't know how to find the balance between confidence and humility. I know those things are not opposites, but I feel an opposing force between them. I don't know which sensation I'll take from this residency more.